The Happiest Cruise
by Megalophrenic
Summary: General Pepper, a recovering drug addict, has been elected president of Corneria! Fox and friends embark on a crazy spacecruise parade adventure with Pepper. M for bad words and gaytasticness.
1. Can We Come?

"A cruise?" Fox snarled with disgust. "You want me to go on a cruise?" He lounged on the couch watching the holotube, legs spread apart with a beer

"Yes! It's going to be wonderful!" said Cassie, the attractive golden retriever in her blue pantsuit. "It'll be a total blast I'm sure!"

"Fuck that, I hate cruises. Oh rocketball is on." He fell back into the cushions getting comfortable.

Cassie put her hands on her hips. "President-elect Pepper is having his inaugural celebration on a week long cruise from Corneria to Zoness and we're going, is that clear?"

"Woot." Fox twirled his finger.

"Fox he personally requested you to be there. It would be a nice way to support him. I'm his press secretary now so I have to go and I don't want to do this by myself."

"See, you want my cock. This is proof right here. You want it." He grabbed his green flight pants in the crotchal region.

"You're gross. I just want you to come on the cruise with me so-"

"To have my cock."

"No."

"Cock."

"Okay," Cassie threw up her hands in dismay. "Fine don't go. I don't want you there. You're an asshole and you'll somehow fuck things up for everyone."

The front door of the loft swung open and banged against the wall. Katt Monroe and Wolf O'Donnell entered with a copious amount of shopping bags in their hands nearly getting stuck in the door. Katt's skintight pink leather jacket was zipped down revealing much boob cleavage. Wolf's girl tight jeans made Fox cringe.

"Oh my god," Katt cried. "The Galleria was a nightmare."

"Sweety," Wolf said, pulling ridiculously massive sunglasses off his face. "You don't know how to shop properly. You gotta use claws." He scratched the air.

"Yeah, but oh my god you almost got us kicked out of Cornerian Eagle for kicking that lady in the ass."

"Bitch deserved it. She took that last jean jacket that was 50 percent off."

"Oh my god I love you."

Fox turned back to the television. "Well now that stupid hour has just begun, I better enjoy myself while I can." He flipped channels and gulped his beer.

Cassie walked past Katt and Wolf to the kitchen. "Hey guys."

"Hey Cass," Katt said. She threw four big brown shopping bags on the couch next to Fox. He shoved one away. "How's that new job? Scary?"

The retriever brushed through her curly golden hair and pulled open the fridge. "Frustrating, especially when we have events that require Fox to be there." She glared at him, then searched for something with alcohol.

"Oh my god, that inaugural cruise thingamabobdiddy?" Katt asked.

"Yeah."

Wolf threw his shopping bags at the couch too. One hit Fox in the head. "Oh my god, I heard that it's going to be one big drug fest."

"Oh my god I heard that too," Katt said.

"No!" Cassie growled. "Pepper's going into rehab before he's inaugurated next month. No drugs."

"Oh my god like that's gonna happen," Wolf said.

"Stop saying oh my god!"

"Oh my god I'm sorry." Wolf covered his mouth.

"Pepper has to stay drug free or the senate will impeach him his first day in office. So on this cruise, everyone's going to be watching. Everything has to go perfect."

"Sounds like Camp Happiness all over again." Katt snuck around Cassie, pulling out a bottle of champagne from the fridge. "Who wants mimosas?"

"Mememememe!" Wolf tattered.

Cassie cringed. "Don't ever say that name again," she said coldly. "That camp."

Fox laughed from the couch, "What? Camp Happiness?"

"That name makes me want to throw up. Stop it."

"Camp Happiness."

Katt started mixing a drink for Wolf. He rested his chin on the counter like a kid waiting for ice cream. "You know Cassie, the best strategy is to say you like the name, and that it turns you on and then he'll stop."

"Camp Happiness," Fox said sexually.

Cassie rolled her eyes. "Okay fine. Oh baby. More."

"Camp haaaaappiness," Fox said again, licking his lips.

Cassie sighed.

"This is kinky," Wolf said.

"…ppiiiness," Fox cooed.

"Back on topic."

"Haha penis."

"Looking back," Katt handed the drink to Wolf. "You have to admit that whole thing was one big hilarious blast."

Cassie scowled at Katt, "If by hilarious blast you mean me being in the hospital for two months in a body cast, then yeah, hilarious blast. I'm so laughing now."

"So this cruise dealiemabob Pepper's having," Wolf said. "What's the point of it?"

Everyone groaned.

"What!" Wolf shouted. "Sorry if I'm not from fucking Corneria and I don't understand your stupid political ways."

Cassie rubbed her forehead. "The inaugural cruise. It's a tradition every president makes when he's elected. They just go around to every planet making speeches, kissing babies, building interplanetary ties. It's like a parade before he's officially inaugurated next month."

"Drug fest," Fox said, still flipping channels.

Cassie ignored him. "I think this will be fun," she said in a new voice. "There's an optimistic tone now that we're past the election."

"Optimistic?!" Katt blanched. "The people elected Pepper knowing he was their only choice! It was either him or that commerce chancellor giraffe guy who cheated on his wife by fucking Wolf."

Wolf shrugged. "That was fun. He had a tongue like a…" He stopped, getting lost in the thought, and sipped his mimosa through a straw.

Fox gagged himself with his finger, then his whole fist.

Katt continued, "I'd hardly say the tone is optimistic. It's more so…," she searched the ceiling for an answer, "Utter dread?"

"Think what you like." Cassie said defiantly, hands on hips. "But I don't think it'll be that bad. General Pepper is an experienced and…"

She forced her way through the sentence with the same face made when trying to shit.

"…accomplished individual. He'll make a great politician."

Katt stared. "Sweetheart, you were in the hospital for two months because he fired a bazooka at you."

"Okay, first off, he didn't fire it intentionally. He dropped it and the rocket somehow launched. And second off, it wasn't the explosion that injured me, it was hitting that tree."

She shook off the conversation. "The point is he's going into rehab! Why do people brush that off when I say that?"

"Oh I know I know I know," Wolf clapped. "Because it's bullshit?"

Cassie ignored him. "Fox get packed, we're leaving tomorrow."

"No fuck you."

"Can we come?" Katt asked delicately.

"What?!" Cassie swiveled around. "Why?"

"Well," Katt glanced at her watch. "I don't have anything planned the next few days. Neither does Wolf and I mean we don't have anything to do and I don't go anywhere without Wolf now and..."

"I'm like an accessory." Wolf grinned teethily.

"… and well. It'd just be something to do."

Cassie sighed and decided she'd appreciate the female company to offset Fox's macho antics, even if it was Katt and her incredible amount of slut power and boob cleavage. Cassie couldn't help but notice how close her breasties looked like they were going to pop out. "Yeah, sure… of course you can come."

"Okay fuck this even more," Fox growled from the couch. "I'm definitely not going if that gay ass is coming with us."

Wolf flipped him off. "Love you too Fox."

"Yeah fuck you very much."

"Love you"

"Fuck you."

"Love-"

"Fuck-"

"Me."

"Guys!" Cassie shouted. "You people are like children! Just… just… fine, everyone's going, and we're not going to act like this okay? Shit, the things I put up with around here."

She stormed out of the living room looking for her planner.

"Wow," Wolf said. "Who pulled the ripcord on her tampon?" He slurped what was left of his mimosa.

* * *

Next chapter: Departing as soon as people review! Flame wars from Saburo don't count. Or maybe they do. All aboard! 


	2. Packing with Fox McCloud

The next morning the sun rose over Corneria City with much sparkly shininess and happiness under a clear purple sky.

Corneria Intpl. Spaceport was massive. Runways stretched out and crisscrossed in different directions. Different layers of vertical landing pads and launch towers connected to different terminals with different monorails in different ways.

"Wow this place is different!" President-elect Pepper shouted to his friend and aide, Bill Grey.

They entered the spaceport's ten-story main concourse to the roar of jets overhead. Thousands of people milled and rushed about to their destinations under the expansive glass ceiling on walkways, escalators, elevators, and those neat moving floor things that make people feel like they're moving faster than everyone else just by walking on them.

The tall commanding bloodhound came through the second set of sliding doors with his entourage. Just then, three dozen reporters swarmed around the group with cameras, blue and yellow flashes everywhere.

"Ambush!" Pepper bellowed.

"Pepper! Pepper! Will you be legalizing drugs as president?!"

"President-elect Pepper! Is it true you paid Wolf O'Donnell to sabotage Drexel Longneck's campaign with that gay sex tape?!"

"Pepper! President-elect Pepper! I love you! Will you fuck my brains out?!"

"Everyone everyone!" Bill tried to calm the rabid pack of animals. "Dudes and dudettes chill out!"

Several buff security guard dogs touched their ears to listen for important security instructions while holding back reporters.

"Dude!" Bill continued articulately. "Pepper will be like holding a press conference at our first destination when we reach Aquas. So ya'll can fucking chill out."

"Pepper! When will you be checking into rehab?!"

"Dude I said like get the hell away from him!" Bill shoved an ugly mule with a reporter's tablet back into the mob.

Pepper stood tall above everyone and ignored the questions. His eyes glowed at something in the distance and for a moment he seemed hypnotized.

"Pepper dude?" Bill asked amidst the shouting. "Everything okay man? Dude? Dudedino? Duderama?"

"Get out of my fucking way!" Pepper shouted, grabbing Bill's face and shoving him back. The red-uniformed bloodhound barreled forward and knocked reporters out of the way.

"Oh!"

"Ow!"

"Oh my god!"

"Dude like where are you going!" Bill shouted.

"There's a Moonbucks down there!" Pepper yelled as he clothes-lined people with his arms, knocking over men, women, children, baby carriages. "Must have a mocha latte! Caffeine's the only drug I'm allowed!"

Bill smiled admirably. "Man, he like, knows what he wants, and he like, just goes for it man."

Pepper reached a balcony and simply jumped over the edge.

"What a psycho," a petite mouse reporter with glasses said, brushing herself off.

"Hey like fuck you!" Bill punched her in the face.

Back at the loft, everyone clamored to pack and get ready.

"Oh my god, I hope Falco can make it," Katt said worriedly whisking through the living room with her phone, throwing another bra in her suitcase. "He has to come. I need him there with me."

"Oooh!" Wolf grinned. "Yeah I hope he comes. He's cute."

Fox rubbed the grogginess off his face. This was the earliest he had been awake in years.

He lounged on the couch like usual with no shirt, not packing. "Don't make this any more fucking complicated, no more people. Falco told me he wasn't sure he could get all the days off at the shop. And also-"

"Oh my god oh my god," Katt bounced up and down fanning herself. "Where's Cassie? Fuck, if we don't get out of here in the next thirty minutes we'll miss our shuttle!"

Fox watched her boobs bounce. "I forgot what I was gonna say."

Wolf bit his pinky still thinking. "Hm Falco. Falco's kinda cute in that rebellious 'I hate everyone but I secretly fuck ass' kind of way."

"Hey," Katt pointed. "Only ass he's fucking is mine."

"Falco's not gay," Fox groaned.

"Of course he is," Wolf said. "He's just like you."

"I'm NOT-"

"Oh this road's been so traveled."

Katt jumped for her purse. "Oh my god, speaking of gay! We should call Slippy!"

"No," Fox growled. "Why do you keep wanting to add fucktards to this trip?"

"Fox," Katt sighed. "This whole thing is just going to be one boring political stop after the next. We might as well try and make the best of it."

"Make the best of it?" Fox asked. "When has adding Slippy to any social event ever been making the best of it?"

"That's the toad right?" Wolf asked.

"Yeah."

"Gay! Oh and he smells. Don't invite him."

"Oh my god, he does not smell," Katt said, already dialing.

"He does! He smells like… like a fucking toad… dipped in crap."

"Hi Slippy!" Katt squealed. "Guess what…"

Cassie the always beautiful golden retriever burst through the front door with a small suitcase. "Fox!" she shouted. "Are you packed?! I want you packed right now! Our shuttle leaves in less than two hours! We gotta move!"

"I'm already packed!" he shouted back. "Fucking hell."

Wolf grinned. "Oh Fox, she wants you packed."

"Is there some innuendo there that I'm not getting?"

"Well I don't know if you're not… 'getting' it. Teehee."

Cassie glared, "Wolf, don't get him riled up. Please, if you guys are gonna come, just please, no fighting, no drama, no gay. Can we just be civil?"

Katt paced around the living room blabbing on the phone to Slippy. "Yes… yes, I'm here with the boys, and Cassie. No… no… they're just making gay jokes like usual."

"Oh I get it now," Fox said. "Packed as in, she wants my ass packed in?"

Cassie groaned. "No. Packed as in, I want your clothes and belongings in a suitcase."

"Packed in by a nice fat cock, packing that ass. Now that I know what you like Ms. Cassie, I think I'll go pack."

"Everything is about cocks and gay with you isn't it?"

"No. Everything is about cocks and gay with Wolf." Fox headed for his room. "He made the joke, not me."

Cassie growled for tenth time. "I thought you said you already packed!" she shouted at the closing door.

"I lied," came the muffled response.

"Well he is right," Wolf admitted. "I'm pretty much all about cocks and gay."

Cassie stepped to Wolf and put her hands on his shoulders. "Wolf, I like you."

He blinked and froze.

"And you know I'm not homophobic in any way like Fox, but if you could please promise me, that on this trip, you won't have sex with anyone."

Wolf stuttered. "Wha…?"

"No politicians, no one we know, no one in general. It'll just save us from any drama or repercussions for me, for us."

"No sex?" Wolf bit his lip, trying to comprehend and fight the urge to feel upset.

"No sex."

"What if… now stay with me here… what if I wanted to get in bed with someone, take off my clothes, take off his clothes, and maybe we touch each other inappropriately and put things in places they shouldn't go."

"That sounds like sex."

Wolf pointed, "But what if it's not!"

"No."

Wolf turned angry. "Uh excuse me bitch, but if I remember correctly, me having sex saved your ass."

Cassie's radiant blue eyes narrowed at him. "I don't recall."

Katt watched from her phone. "Yeah… no… oh now Cassie is getting in a fight with Wolf... yeah you better come."

Wolf put his hands on his leather clad hips. "Remember I had sex with that ugly giraffe commerce chancellor, who was the only other candidate in the presidential race, and I got it on tape and sent it to the news so everyone saw and that's why General Pepper won? Hello? Didn't you read the last story?"

"Oh right, that," Cassie realized. "Well that's different."

"Oh my god, no it isn't!"

"Fine!" she resigned, dropping her hands. "You can have sex! Fuck anyone you want!"

"Yay!" Wolf jumped up and down. "But I think you mean get fucked."

"Right the whole 'you're the fuckee' thing, I forgot." The golden retriever sighed.

"Oh the wonders of prostate stimulation."

"You're even worse than Fox."

"You should have sex too," Wolf said poking her on the arm.

"What?"

"Yeah," he glanced at Fox's door. "C'mon, you know you like him."

Cassie followed his eyes to the door. She almost laughed. "Screw that, like hell I do!"

"Oh my god you so do like him!"

"No!" Cassie laughed. "No, I don't! The day I have sex with Fox is the day you have sex with a… vagina!"

Wolf gagged. "Never!"

"A dainty elegant vagina."

Wolf stuck fingers in his ears. "Lalalala I'm not listening."

"Shaved."

"You're a sick woman."

Cassie rolled her eyes. "Why do you want me to have sex with him? You should have sex with him."

Wolf guffawed. "I'd have to get him shitface drunk again."

"Well," Cassie thumbed her nose. "He'll be stuck on this spacecruise for a week, nowhere to go, nothing to do. I think he'll be getting pretty drunk on his own."

"Oh my god you're right."

Katt snapped her phone shut cheerfully. "Slippy is coming!"

"What?" Cassie swiveled around yet again.

Wolf started bouncing around the room, his bushy gray tail bobbing. "I'm gonna have sex with Fox! I'm gonna have sex with Fox!"

"Yeah," Katt continued. "I thought it'd be more fun if we got everyone to come. So yeah Slippy's coming. Oh and he's bringing ROB. Says he needs to 'work' on him, whatever that means."

Cassie stared.

"I'm gonna have sex with Fox!" Wolf twirled around a chair.

"Oh yeah," Katt remembered. "Falco was also there and said he got the days off, so he's coming too because he doesn't want to get stuck with Peppy alone… and oh yeah, Peppy can't be alone because he needs the guys to take care of him and give him his pills. Remember that time he glued cookies to himself? So yeah Peppy's coming too."

Cassie stared.

"I'm gonna have sex with Fox!" Wolf sung.

"You..." Cassie said lightly, trying to stop her voice from cracking into rage. "You just invited the entire Star Fox team to this cruise?"

"Yeah! It's gonna be oodles of fun!"

"I'm gonna have sex with Fox!" Wolf ran up between the two ladies, putting his arms around them grinning.

Fox burst from his door with a half-packed suitcase "NO you're NOT!" He bolted toward Wolf, jumping over a couch.

Wolf screamed and ran.

Fox chased him into the kitchen knocking over pots and pans. "If you touch me at all on this trip I will fucking kill you!"

They ran out of sight into another room with the sound of glass breaking, furniture getting knocked over, Wolf squealing, Fox growling.

Cassie blinked.

"Okay," Katt said. "Maybe not so much a blast. But we'll get through this. Think positive!"

"He's touching me!" Wolf shouted from the other room. "He's touching me inappropriately!" He squealed again with a large thud of bodies hitting the floor.

Katt put her hand on Cassie's shoulder. "Positive happy thoughts."

"Shut up!" Fox growled. "Shut up or I'll punch you in your good eye!"

"Fox stop touching me there! That's my no-no place!" Wolf giggled, then yelped with the sound of knuckles hitting his face.

Cassie glanced at her watch. "Okay we're going."

* * *

Will they make it on time?! You better hope they do… or else. Or else what? I don't even know. 


	3. Spaceport Maddness

"Ma'am you want Gate 69A to get to your shuttle, but you bettah hurry! Takes off in-," the elderly elephant baggage clerk checked his watch, "-less than twenty minutes!"

"Holy shit okay!" Cassie panicked and looked around their small group. She counted them off with an individual point. "Okay, Wolf, Fox, Katt, me, Falco, Slippy, ROB, Peppy, okay great everyone's here! Passports? Passports?"

Everyone groaned and fumbled through their jackets and bags.

"Yeah, we got 'em," Falco complained. "Everything's here lady. Shouldn't you be with President-whatever Pepper?"

Fox shook his head at Falco, knowing he was gonna get it.

"Excuse me Mr. Lombardi," Cassie said turning her icy blue eyes at him, "But I am organizing all of this for you guys as a damn favor. Without me here you would all be up shit creek!"

Falco made a protracted sigh and tapped his sunglasses down onto his beak. "Whatev."

"Shit creek?!" Peppy blurted in a medicated daze. "Why when I was young, young pretty ladies like yourself didn't use such horrible language!"

"Okay, for the love of god, who brought him," Fox groaned.

"You know what kind of girls said words like shit and fuck!" Peppy's head bobbed back and forth at her. "Sluts and whores! That's who!" He pointed his wobbly wooden cane at her. "Are you a slut or a whore?"

Cassie ignored the senile hare and fumbled through her purse. She looked up at the confused elephant baggage clerk. "Excuse me, but what's the fastest way to get to Gate 69?"

Wolf laughed. "Haha, 69!"

Fox smacked him quickly across the face.

"Ow! Fuck!"

"What?" Slippy asked.

"You didn't see that?" Wolf growled.

"See what?"

Fox whistled.

"Fox just hit me across the face!"

"I didn't see anything," Falco said.

"Oh my god, don't side with him. How can you see anything, you're wearing fucking sunglasses indoors… you ass."

"Whatev… fag."

"Guys! Okay!" Cassie guided. "We're going to make a mad dash to the other side of this terminal. I got a text from Bill saying their whole entourage is already onboard."

Everyone's tickets started beeping.

"Hey that means boarding's almost finished." ROB droned. "We should hurry."

"Oh shit oh shit," Katt jumped up and down drying her nails. "We're not gonna make it. We're not gonna make it."

Everyone ran through the concourse, shoving people out of the way.

President-elect Pepper sat in his first-class seat gulping a mocha latte and shaking uncontrollably.

"Is everything alright sir?" a poodle flight attendant in a very short skirt asked while pushing a cart.

Suited rottweilers with sunglasses guarding Pepper, eyed the flight-attendant suspiciously.

"No!" Pepper barked and trembled, staring straight ahead with wild eyes.

Bill, who was on the other side of the aisle, leaned toward her. "Excuse me dudette, like that's President-elect Pepper. He's like a recovering meth crack smack heroine ice dust addict. You're just gonna wanna like, get him a glass of water maybe. He'll totally be fine once we get going."

The flight-attendant glanced between Bill and the convulsing bloodhound with concern. "Oh… well if you need anything else let me know."

He winked at her. "Coolness babe. Actually I'm gonna need a blow job, like pronto."

"Excuse me?"

"If I put this tray table down…" He started fumbling with the latch in front of him, "no one will be able to see."

"Uh sir... I don't know what kind of flight-attendant you think I am, but you can like… suck your own fucking cock. Okay dude?"

Bill blinked as the poodle pressed on with her cart. "Like… ouch."

The engines roared to life and the shuttle prepared to taxi to a runway. The seats and deck panels shuddered. Pepper started bouncing up and down and growling. He gnawed on the seat in front of him. Other first-class passengers stared.

Back at the concourse, Wolf panted as he ran at the tail end of the group. Something caught his attention.

"Ooh Moonbucks! Guys! A Moonbucks!"

No one paid attention as they ran past the coffee stand.

"Guys! Can we stop for a latte!"

Everyone was still running at breakneck speed.

"Guys!"

No response.

"Man fuck you guys!"

Slippy was falling behind everyone else.

"Slippy try to keep up!" Wolf shouted.

"It's okay," Slippy panted. "I always slip behind when we run as a group! Haha get it? I slip behind! And my name's Slippy!"

Wolf gritted his teeth. "Everyone secretly hates you."

"What?"

"Nothing! Keep running!"

Peppy zoomed by in a power wheelchair. "Eat my dust bitches!" He crashed through a postcards rack then knocked over a group of confused blind people. They didn't slow him down at all.

A little raccoon boy turned around from the coffee stand and saw the group run by. Standing next to him, an elderly hippopotamus lady wearing a scarf around her head and sunglasses turned as well, eyeing the running group of misfits and one elderly hare in a swerving powered wheelchair.

"Well hello. If it isn't the Star 'blow-everything-up-and-ruin-people's-lives' Fox team." She made a slow wrinkly grin as she sipped a caramel macchiato through a straw. "We'll be seeing you, won't we." She glanced at her shuttle tickets and slipped them sinisterly back into her flower-print handbag. The old lady hobbled onward with her cane. Little did she know her tickets slipped out onto the table she just left… because she's old and stupid.

"Chai tea latte," said a burly ape in a doctor's coat at the same spaceport coffee stand. His face was leathery and intense with experience, his gray hair fanned out in a genius's mop.

Standing next to him, Leon tapped his lip with a long scaly finger. "Aaaand I want a skinny iced vanilla strawberry de-caffeinated latte venti grande with a little touch of whipped-cream on top."

The squirrel coffee tender rolled his eyes and wrote down the orders on their respective cups.

"Oh and a piece of cheesecake." He tapped the glass display.

"Leon…" Andross groaned. "Do you have to have the most faggy coffee order possible?"

"Yup."

Andross grumbled and sat down at a table that was much too small, even for one person. He saw two tickets sitting in plain view. He rumbled at Leon who was getting napkins. "Leon! You left our tickets out again!" The ape scooped the tickets up and put them in his coat pocket. "I'm going to hang on to these now."

"I did? Dr. Andross I'm so sorry! I didn't mean too! How can I make it up to you?" He plopped down in the ape's lap. People stared.

Andross shoved the lascivious chameleon off his lap and onto the floor. "Not while I'm waiting for my latte! We'll start that when we get to the resort!"

Leon licked his lips with his thick sticky tongue as he took his seat. "I cannot wait to enjoy this much needed vacation. Away from everyone, away from Corneria, away from that two-timing faggot traitor Wolf, away from any news about that horrid General Pepper becoming President."

"Don't!" Andross growled. "Say that name."

Leon giggled. "What? General Pepper?"

Andross twitched.

"General Peeeeepp-"

The menacing ape grabbed Leon by the neck and squeezed. The chameleon's tongue spat out past his chin.

"…eerrr."

"Um…" the squirrel coffee tender blinked, holding a pink drink. "The skinny iced vanilla strawberry… oh you know who are, just come up here."

Andross let go. He heard beeping from his coat pocket. He quickly pulled out the tickets as Leon went to go get his drink.

The tickets beeped again.

"What?!" the ape bellowed. "Our shuttle is almost done boarding?!"

"What?!"

"Run!"

Leon squealed and threw his drink at the squirrel's face before running off after Andross.

"Oh wait, fuck this," Andross panted, remembering he had super powers.

He blinked and in a pink gay flash they instantly teleported to Gate 69.

They flashed into a crowd of people, temporarily blinding them. Andross tugged on his big suitcase and shoved through the stunned crowd to get to the front of the line.

"Sir," said a beautiful tigress flight-attendant taking tickets from people as they passed through the gate. "Teleporting is not allowed in the terminal."

"Dammit!"

"You'll have to go back to where you last were and walk here."

Andross blinked and the flight-attendant flew backwards out the window with an explosion of glass. She spun through the air like a rag doll before crashing into a baggage tram on the crowded tarmac.

People cheered and ran through the unguarded gate with their luggage.

* * *

Ohshit Andross. Next chapter coming right up. 


	4. When's This Cruise Gonna Start?

"We made it!" Cassie said to her group that was scattered amongst the first class seats. The first-class section was spacious and roomy with leather seats. "Now you guys can relax. This shuttle flight is only about thirty minutes. It'll take us to the orbital dock where our cruise ship is waiting for us. Isn't this exciting?"

Katt was putting on eyeliner with the help of a pocket mirror. "I am going to have so much sex on this trip."

Wolf was sitting in a seat in front of her. He struggled to turn around and clamor over the back of the seat to look at Cassie. "Why does she get to have sex and I don't?"

Cassie grabbed her forehead to pinch out the frustration. "Wolf I said you could have sex."

"Oh durr I forgot." He grinned at Fox who glared back at him with an in-flight magazine in his hands.

"I'm going to go check on Pepper," Cassie said getting up.

"Yeah you go do that," Fox grumbled. He pointed at Wolf. "And listen faggot. You lay a finger on me on this cruise and you die."

"Oh I'm shaking in my little boots."

Fox tugged on a passing flight-attendant's short skirt.

The poodle turned. "Uh yes sir?"

"I'll take the most alcoholic beverage you have."

"Zoness coconut rum? Glass or bottle?"

"Bottle."

Falco nudged him.

"Make that two."

Peppy tried to turn in his seat. "Who are you kids talking to? Ask her if she has joints!"

The flight attendant smiled courteously at Fox, politely ignoring Peppy.

"Um yeah he's just kind of old and haywire."

"Are you talking about me?! I can hear you! I'm not as old as you think!" Peppy still struggled, getting tangled in a seatbelt that tightened across his face.

Falco cringed. "Can you just… slip something in his drink? Like a sleeping pill or a ruffee?"

"Just because I've got gray hair and droopy ears doesn't mean I can't do things you young people do!"

"Sir I don't think we can do that." The flight-attendant frowned.

"I still have a fight or two left in me!"

"Please," Fox said. "We're begging you."

"Maybe a fuck or two! Bring that poodle over here. I'll show her and her vagina!"

"I'll see what I can do."

Cassie made her way into the other first-class cabin where she saw Bill and Pepper. "There you guys are."

"Yo whatsup Cassie!" Bill said pulling off his shades and checking out the blonde's figure. "Casserella."

The golden retriever took the empty seat next to Bill and took out her planner. "Everyone's settled." She flipped through pages. "Firstly, I want to go over some of the-"

"The Cassmeister."

"Haha okay. Well yes, when we get to the cruiseship I was thinking-"

"Cassino. Cassassa."

"Are you done?"

"No, I have like a few more. Cassafina, Casserrole. Cassette tape."

"Okay. You're done now. Or I'm walking away."

Pepper stirred awake in his seat. "Is that…? Is that Lassie?"

"What?"

"The dog that the little boy can understand and she barks at danger."

"For the love of— No. It's Cassie and okay well first Lassie was a collie and I'm a golden retriever."

"I'm not following you."

"He's not on drugs is he?" Cassie asked Bill.

The gray-haired dog thought for a moment. "Dudette I really don't know. Is caffeine a drug?"

"What?"

"Oh I got a good one," Bill pointed. "Cassarnia. The magical land of Cassarnia I could go to if I could just get into your wardrobe."

"Okay screw this." She got up and walked down the isle. "I am so close to quitting and leaving all you fuckheads behind." Other passengers blinked.

Bill smirked, "Lassie, now she was a hottie. I'd fuck her. Is that show still on?"

Pepper stared at the seat tray in front of him. "I think it's just reruns now."

A beautiful older collie sitting on the other side of the aisle behind Pepper looked up from her magazine. She pulled off her sunglasses and studied Bill. "Excuse me, but the answers are no and no."

Bill went wide-eyed. "Woah Lassie. Wait. I only asked one question."

"I know. But we're just going to say 'I'd fuck her' is a question I can say no to because there is simply no chance you would ever get in me."

"What is it like bitch day today?" Bill grumbled and slouched in his seat.

Lassie returned to her magazine and smirked. "Fuckface."

The shuttle made its way higher and higher up into the Cornerian atmosphere, reaching space and blah blah blah, insert beautiful description here and eventually the ship docked at the space station where their cruise ship awaited.

Dozens of security guard dogs guided the President-elect out of the plane to much deafening cheering fanfare. Confetti rained down. Pepper tried to eat it.

"This is awesome!" Slippy cried as beautiful felines laid him... with flower necklaces.

Fox pinched one of the felines on the chin as she put a necklace on him. "How you doing?" She smiled coyly and moved on. Cameras flashed everywhere.

Cassie smacked Fox's arm. "Could we please not fuck anything in first five minutes we're here?"

"Why do you have to rag all over my game? Geezus I was just—"

"Ew ew ew, get off me." Wolf smacked away several feline girls who tried to lay him. "Attack of the vaginas."

Cassie rolled her eyes. "This was a horrible idea," she said to herself, barely hearing her voice under the roar of the crowds.

"Citizens of Lylat!" Pepper waved his arms. "Thank you! Thank you for making me your president! And I'm single too! Any beautiful ladies who would like this, please line up at my suite door after we've boarded! I have a large penis, which you should all remember from Camp Happiness."

ROB stood tall above everyone. "Speaking of penis. I'm feeling an erection coming on."

Falco pulled Katt close, "A vacation's just what we need right babe?" His hand wandered to her chest.

She patted her cheeks with blush, not paying attention. "Oh fuck. I think I forgot my birth control."

"You what?!" Falco shoved her away and she crashed through a flower arrangement. "You dumb whore! How are we supposed to have sex now?"

"Oh my God," Cassie grabbed Falco's arm. "You do not shove your girlfriend publicly, in front of all these people."

"She forgot her birth control! And she knows my sharp bird penis breaks condoms!"

"Wow! I don't care! The point of this trip is to make Pepper look presidential, not so you can have some fuck fest with your girlfriend."

"He's like looking real presidential like right now," Bill said pointing.

Pepper was swinging a spear he ripped off a historical statue. He spun around smacking people, mowing them down until he hit the edge of a fountain and flew into it with a huge splash.

"Great," Cassie moaned.

Fox sighed and started toward Pepper to help him. "This physical humor is boring me."

"Yeah me too," Falco said. Without warning Katt ran up behind him and smacked him over the head with a spear she had also ripped off a statue. He collapsed to the ground, unconscious.

Wolf watched as people trampled over Falco to go see Pepper. "There are so many dirty things I could do to him right now. Where to begin!" He pounced on him.

Cassie spun around. "Shit! Where's Peppy?"

She turned and saw Peppy in a dark corner having sex with a palm tree.

Andross entered with his luggage and was whiplashed by the roaring crowds. "What the fuck is this?! Where are we?"

Leon went wide-eyed. "I don't know, but I'm ready to partaaaay!"

* * *

So am I! 


End file.
